The Unfamiliar Feeling

Wednesday. It's never held both so much promise but also so much dread as an individual day before. Now it's looming with all the grimness of a blackened volcanic cliff-face. For it is the day when I will either have the guts to kick-start my life or timidly put an end to my dreams, all with a simple visit (or not) to the travel agent's office.

The thing is, I have booked my plane ticket overseas. I have until Wednesday to pay for it in full and hence start the clock counting down to a definite departure.

I feel like I've gone crazy.

A thousand little voices in my head keep crying out to me all through the day, begging me to reconsider my decision, to understand that people like me don't do these things. A chill wind blows through my mind every time I stop to think about just what will be involved in such a move. And I'm having an interesting time trying to work out how I intend to make it work. And, understanding that, trying to convince my parents that I haven't gone bananas.

I came home tonight and knew that my mother could tell from my behaviour that I'm planning on leaving. A dark cloud descended upon us as we prepared dinner. She started up again about the negative things she usually brings up about me leaving, in fact me doing anything that is not in the itinerary she keeps in her heart, which I've never seen. I know it is hurting her more than she can express to have to let me go. I sometimes feel like I've stabbed her with a dagger, all the while telling her not to worry and things will be alright, even as the dagger plunges in deeper. This is the pain of emotional blackmail. I love my mother too much to be a victim to it any longer.

I haven't told my parents yet about my intention to go overseas. I know it will come as a shock and I'm not looking forward to it because I know I'm in for fireworks the likes of which Gandalf has never dreamt. But I'm prepared because I want to change my life. I'm nearly 30 and if not now, then shame on me. If I go through with it, it will be good to have this on record. If I don't, I'll know there were valid reasons why I finally didn't.



Here's praying I will.



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