Friday, October 31, 2008

The Land of Serendipity

I'm writing this so everyone who reads it can know that no matter how hopeless a situation looks, you can take heart.

I got up two days ago, not having heard from my prospective employer overseas in regard to my salary and so doubting she was serious about employing me under the verbally-agreed conditions, and I looked around my room thinking, "What the hell am I going to do today?" The day stretched in front of me, a neverending path of boredom and apathy. Then I checked my email and there was a message from said employer - confirming my salary and conditions. A mixture of happiness and frustration washed over me, as I realised that I really did want the job, and also that the showdown with the folkies I had begun to think wouldn't happen, must now take place, and soon.

Right on cue, parents got home from shopping. I volunteered to help unpack and while in the middle of this, I just kind of blurted out something like, "Mum, I'm going to Greece!" It took a couple of affirmations for my mother to believe me (and 2 days later she was still questioning). Then - and I knew this was going to happen - the fireworks started. Right on time. I could have planned a New Year's Eve party with as much accuracy, featuring my mother's voluble eruptions of objection. Every irrational thought was called in for service, as were the gems of negative thinking, pessimism and paranoia. But the show didn't really get on the road until my father discovered what was happening and joined in. Now it was a real show. I walked off to my room, not having the time of day for it. It sounds cold, dear reader, but after a lifetime of hearing c**p, I am tired. No child should have to justify doing something that will be beneficial to both them and their parents and in fact the whole world.

I could hear them from my room, shouting, not at each other, but about me, hoping I could hear them and perhaps come to my senses. I stayed where I was, giving them time. After a couple of hours, the noise had died down and it was safe to re-enter their presence. While having dinner, my father began to go over with me all the things I would need to do once overseas. I was staggered. He was actually helping me! Mum, who never defies him, caught on to his line of thinking, and started offering her own suggestions. And then, Dad suddenly asks her, "Doesn't her aunt's brother live there?" (The town I'm going to). Mum exclaimed, "Why yes! We never thought of that!" I was astonished. I just sat back and watched things unfolding to my advantage, with an amazing feeling of security and hope. So there is a God.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Unfamiliar Feeling

Wednesday. It's never held both so much promise but also so much dread as an individual day before. Now it's looming with all the grimness of a blackened volcanic cliff-face. For it is the day when I will either have the guts to kick-start my life or timidly put an end to my dreams, all with a simple visit (or not) to the travel agent's office.

The thing is, I have booked my plane ticket overseas. I have until Wednesday to pay for it in full and hence start the clock counting down to a definite departure.

I feel like I've gone crazy.

A thousand little voices in my head keep crying out to me all through the day, begging me to reconsider my decision, to understand that people like me don't do these things. A chill wind blows through my mind every time I stop to think about just what will be involved in such a move. And I'm having an interesting time trying to work out how I intend to make it work. And, understanding that, trying to convince my parents that I haven't gone bananas.

I came home tonight and knew that my mother could tell from my behaviour that I'm planning on leaving. A dark cloud descended upon us as we prepared dinner. She started up again about the negative things she usually brings up about me leaving, in fact me doing anything that is not in the itinerary she keeps in her heart, which I've never seen. I know it is hurting her more than she can express to have to let me go. I sometimes feel like I've stabbed her with a dagger, all the while telling her not to worry and things will be alright, even as the dagger plunges in deeper. This is the pain of emotional blackmail. I love my mother too much to be a victim to it any longer.

I haven't told my parents yet about my intention to go overseas. I know it will come as a shock and I'm not looking forward to it because I know I'm in for fireworks the likes of which Gandalf has never dreamt. But I'm prepared because I want to change my life. I'm nearly 30 and if not now, then shame on me. If I go through with it, it will be good to have this on record. If I don't, I'll know there were valid reasons why I finally didn't.

Here's praying I will.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

I've been away for awhile and for very good reason. Nothing's been happening. It's been one of those periods where people have just been content to do the normal everyday things, you know, get up, get ready for work, deal with the usual bullshit, meet friends for coffee, hang out, watch movies, get drugged on routine etc etc. Now suddenly, that has all changed. I have received an offer to teach overseas!


Finally, it's happened; what I've been waiting and praying for for 3 whole years. It's happening in 2 WEEKS! Yikes! And here I am, sitting here, typing away, not having done a thing to plan for it, not having even told my family. Deep down I'm still wondering if it's actually going to happen. And also, if I really want it to happen. It will take me away from my home, family and friends. It will change everything about my life, from what I eat to where I sleep, to what I see when I step out my front door.

Reader, don't hate me, but I have to say, I'm feeling a little less than thrilled right now. I feel like a hobbit that's been too long accustomed to her little hobbit hole and is scared of what the world will dish up for her if she takes the step to go yonder. I feel utterly sick inside. It's the first time I've actually planned something without parental approval, the first time I'm going overseas alone. It's just scaring the living daylights out of me!